In a recent session, a coaching client – let’s call him Mike – wanted to talk about conflict.
‘There’s a guy in another department who I need to work with more closely but we just seem to instantly get on one another’s nerves. It’s getting in the way of our work and I need to find a better way of getting past it.’
‘How do you currently get past it?’
‘Well, sometimes I try to appease him for a quiet life but that’s not really helping: we need to be able to talk about these issues, learn from each other and resolve them. Other times, I have to admit that I just get cross and we end up exchanging some pretty harsh and unhelpful words, although we’ve managed to avoid shouting at each other so far.’
Mike has fallen into two of the three A traps as described by author and anthropologist, William Ury, in his book POSSIBLE: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict. They are:
1 Avoid:
We’ve all been here – do anything you can to avoid a conflict conversation. Does it work? No, the issue rarely disappears and often grows worse over time.
2 Attack:
What happens when we enter a conversation spoiling for a fight? The other person retaliates. Attack produces a counter-attack.
3 Accommodate:
As opposed to attacking, here we throw up our hands in surrender and give in, we appease the other party.
None of these three approaches has a lasting impact. They may temporarily and superficially seem to resolve a conflict but they don’t transform it. Ury suggests that we aim to transform a conflict into a constructive negotiation by following these three steps.
1 Go to the balcony
This is a metaphor to encourage us to pause by seeking out some mental and physical space so that we can gain some perspective and calm ourselves. Imagine you’re in an airless conference room with a lot of important people all getting rather hot under the collar about the subject under discussion. You get up, walk over to the door and step out onto a balcony looking out over the sea. You stretch, breathe, catch the fragrance of the ocean. Your shoulders drop as does your heart rate. Your mind clears. Now you can ask yourself ‘what do I really want from this conversation?’.
Your balcony might be going to make yourself a coffee or taking the dog out for fifteen minutes of chasing a ball in the garden. It might be going to the gym or phoning a friend. It might be saying ‘let’s pick up this conversation again in the morning.’ Going to the balcony provides a pause.
2 Build a bridge
There are two sides in this conflict and you may feel that there is a gaping chasm opening up between you. Listening to truly understand their point of view is key here – not listening to reply. In stage 1, you asked yourself ‘what do I really want?’ – now you need to ask the other party what really matters to them here. As you begin to understand that and you put yourself in their shoes, you can work towards a solution that works for both of you. You build a bridge across that chasm – Ury refers to it as a golden bridge as it offers elements which work for both of you and draws you together, rather than pulling one party across to the other’s side.
3 Recognize the third side
In a difficult situation, we can become intently focused on the two sides – this is a battle, one of us wins, one of us loses. There is often a larger whole to be considered: in Mike’s case, it’s not just about him and this colleague from another department, it’s about their team, their organisation and ultimately, their customers and their stakeholders.
Who is the third side in your context? What’s the best outcome for that community? Acknowledging the third side and exploring their requirements is key to transforming the conflict.
You’ll notice that in the three steps, we start off with the first person context, then move to the second person and then round it off by considering the third person. Mike and I went on to work through the ‘Go to the balcony’ stage together, then he scheduled some time to listen to his colleague, respectfully and curiously, without interruption so that he had a better understanding of how to build the bridge. Having reached this stage, they were able to talk constructively and creatively about options which would work for the third side – starting with how their teams could collaborate effectively.
Today’s pebble for you to ponder: do you fall into any of the A traps when it comes to conflict?
Michelle
PS No post next Friday: I’ll be back here on 7 June.
Turning over pebbles is the blog of Thinking Space Coaching
If you’re interested in working on your leadership behaviours and making the most of your potential, please do email me and let’s have a conversation about how we can work together.
Turning over pebbles 