Are you consciously opting in?

Action for Happiness is an organisation committed to building a happier and more caring society. They want to see a fundamentally different way of life – where people care less about what they can get just for themselves and more about the happiness of others. Their website offers many hints and tips on how to do this: one of which is their series of monthly calendars, all with a different theme: Mindful March, Joyful June, Altruistic August and so on. September is all about Self-Care and I was struck by the entry for Monday 10 September:

Give yourself permission to say ‘no’ to requests from others. Self care september

Give yourself permission to say ‘no’ to requests from others.

Earlier this year when the new GDPR came into force, most of us received a lot of emails asking us to confirm our mailing preferences. Rather than making an assumption based on our past behaviour, organisations asked us to confirm that we still wished to hear from them by actively opting in.

If you’re like me, you took this opportunity to ask yourself whether you still wanted to hear from these people. Maybe you’d signed up for a one-time special offer, a discount or a competition entry. Perhaps a cause had been relevant to you once but that was no longer the case. Maybe you’re receiving so many emails, you delete them without even opening them.

The fact that we had to decide whether or not to opt it to receiving emails gave us the chance to consider the appropriate course of action in our current circumstances.

A client – let’s call him David – is working his way up through his organisation. When we last spoke, he mentioned that he was feeling rather swamped with work – ‘I just don’t like to say no. I want to be seen as a ‘can do’ person.’

‘How’s that working out?’ I asked.

‘I feel like I’ve got too many plates spinning and that any minute now, one of them is going to drop. There’s a new project on the horizon that I’d love to be involved with – it’s so relevant to what I hope to do in the future – but I’m bogged down with this other stuff where, quite honestly, I’m not adding a great deal of value.’

David realised that he needed to actively opt in to projects at work rather than take everything on, no matter what. By taking time to consider where he could make the greatest contribution, which projects would give him the opportunity to develop new skills and experience, and whether there was someone else in the team better placed to fulfil a particular task, he could choose to opt in and be fully engaged. He gave himself permission to be more discerning about the requests made of him. He was clear with others about his current priorities, objectives and areas of focus and, where he wasn’t able to take on the task himself, helped them to find the right person.

Today’s pebble for you to consider: will you give yourself permission to say ‘no’ or ‘not yet’ to requests from others? Will you choose to actively opt in?


PS  I am actively opting in to a couple of weeks away from screens – I’ll be back here on the blog on 5 October.

Turning over pebbles is the blog of Thinking Space Coaching.

If you’d like a coach to help you succeed and make the most of your potential,
why not email me to see how we can work together?

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Is September the new January?

There’s a hint of autumn in the air here in the UK. As I walked to a meeting this morning, I noticed that leaves are starting to turn yellow, hedgerows are laden with blackberries and tiny children swamped in new school uniform were on their way to their first day at school.

Despite not having any children and the fact that my academic years are long gone, September always feels like a fresh start to me and that change is in the air. It seems I’m not alone – only last week, a coaching client said to me ‘well, September is the new January, after all.’ Google that phrase and you’ll get about 1,160,000,000 results so this clearly isn’t a new phenomenon. (Question: what’s the Southern Hemisphere equivalent? Is March a second January?)

new season new start september is the new january

For me, there are definitely a couple of advantages to setting new goals and taking on new challenges in September:

1  Start now and it gets 2019 off to a flying start

Working on new goals and acquiring positive habits now means we are already gearing up for the New Year. Nail those challenges now and on 1 January, you’ll be ahead of the game. It can also help you stay on track if you have any time off over the Christmas period – no need to resort to ‘I’ll look for a new job/sign up for a 10k run/put the house on the market/enrol on a marketing diploma course in January’ as you watch the next episode of your favourite box set whilst still in your PJs at 3.30pm in the days between Christmas and New Year.

2   Shorter time span than January’s New Year Resolutions

We’re two-thirds of the way through 2018. We don’t have a blank twelve month wall planner staring down at us. That shorter timeframe can seem more manageable than a twelve month commitment.

Gretchen Rubin talks about the strategy of the clean slate – a time where a change frees us up to make other changes. In The Great Gatsby, F Scott Fitzgerald writes, ‘Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall‘  and I think this makes September, with its ‘new term’ feeling, the perfect time for a clean slate.

But wait! It’s now 7 September – the month is already a week over. Yes, it is, but there’s another thing I really like about September: on 22 September, there are one hundred days left until the end of the year. A couple of years ago, I proposed to my clients that they take the One Hundred Day Challenge: pick a goal and commit to work on it over the next one hundred days. For some, it was a work-related challenge; others chose a personal challenge, some even roping their families in too. By the end of the year, I’d seen an array of results from the acquisition of new jobs and new skills to improved fitness and more regular family dinners. If you start planning now, you have just over two weeks to create your action plan so that you’re ready to go on 22 September.

Today’s pebble for you to ponder: are you ready to make some changes? Will you commit to the One Hundred Day Challenge?


Turning over pebbles is the blog of Thinking Space Coaching.

If you’d like a coach to help you succeed and make the most of your potential,
why not email me to see how we can work together?

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Dealing with demotivation (part 5)

Here on the blog, August 2018 has been dedicated to dealing with demotivation. We’ve thought about:

For my final post, let’s tackle the difficult duo of stagnation and fear of change.

The demotivating impact of stagnation

When we set ourselves goals, we often make quite swift initial progress. We’re full of enthusiasm and we’ve set up systems to keep us on track. Sometimes on the way to a long-term goal, progress slows down or even stalls. Our actions are no longer getting the same results and it’s really frustrating.

If we want to continue to progress, what are our options?

Einstein said, ‘if you want different results, do not do the same things.‘ Perhaps it’s time to shake it up and try something different. If you’ve reached a plateau in your running, maybe you could try swimming. If you just don’t seem to be getting any better at your online Mandarin course, perhaps it’s time to find a native speaker. If your goal is work-related and you seem to have gone as far as you can with your current responsibilities, can you discuss this with your manager? Perhaps can you be seconded to a different team for a few months to expose you to new challenges; maybe she has a project on which she needs your help or there’s a new skill your team needs and you can be sent on the training course.

To emerge from stagnation, try something different and allow yourself to be ‘susceptible to surprise‘.

The demotivating impact of fear of change

I wrote about fear as a demotivator a couple of posts ago after which a newsletter subscriber emailed me to ask me about a specific fear – fear of change.

He wanted to know what happens if a goal can’t be achieved without it affecting other areas of our life. For example, if your goal is to become a manager, maybe your life will change. Maybe you’ve imagined some of the ways in which it could change. Perhaps you’re more worried about the ways you can’t yet imagine.

As I have written before in ‘Is it possible to be scared of success?‘, this fear can become so demotivating that people quit before they’ve even started work on their goal.

How do we handle fear of change?

As with any other fear, the first step is to acknowledge its existence and to unpack it. For example, what might be the impact of you becoming a manager?

  • it may alter your current relationships at work
  • it may impinge on your social life if you have to travel more or work different hours
  • it may mean you have to let go of an aspect of your work you really enjoy

You can probably think of other areas it may affect too.

The next step is to weigh up those possible changes and compare the benefits of staying where you are to the potential benefits of moving forward. As Elizabeth Appell so eloquently put it:

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

When the benefits of moving forward outweigh the benefits of staying where you are, you are freed up to take the next step.

Today’s pebbles for you to ponder:

  • Is stagnation or a lack of challenge sapping your motivation? What one thing can you do differently this week to get you out of a rut and back on track?
  • Is fear of change holding you back? Will you identify the specific elements of the fear and then weigh them up against your current position?

motivation zig ziglarIn conclusion, why have I spent the last five posts writing about demotivation? Because in my years of coaching, I have seen that demotivation is like an obstacle in our path – that obstacle could be a fallen tree, a blocked tunnel, or a road surface mired with a dangerous substance. We can’t use the same remedy to fix each of those issues and in the same way, different types of demotivation need their own solution. I hope that these posts have helped you to think through what demotivates you and the action you could take to get yourself back on track.


Turning over pebbles is the blog of Thinking Space Coaching.

If you’d like some help to find your motivation again,
why not email me to see how we can work together?



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Dealing with demotivation (part 4)

Over the last three posts, we’ve covered the following demotivating factors:

Today’s terrible twosome is comparison and loss.

The demotivating impact of comparison

Whether you’re comparing yourself with the perfect lives you see on social media, your colleagues at work or your former classmates at a school reunion, the effect can all too often be demotivating.

With my clients, we work to step away from comparing with others and work to focus on oneself. Often we use scaling to see where the client is at now and where they’d like to be as well as defining their own measure of success.

For example, Jane wanted to improve her presentation skills. She rated her current performance as a 4 out of 10. She set herself the goal of being at a 7 within the next three months. I asked her what she would be doing differently when she reached that score of 7 so that we had a defined outcome against which to gauge her success.

‘I will have butterflies in my stomach but still feel confident before I go into the meeting. I will have finished my presentation at least 48 hours in advance so that I can rehearse it several times, first on my own and then with my husband. I won’t need to read from a script but I will have a few key points noted on cue cards. I will take a deep breath before I begin and not race through my presentation. I will have some water to hand and will stop to take a drink if I feel my nerves rising. I will handle questions and interruptions calmly and not feel afraid to say that I’ll need to come back later with an answer to a question I can’t immediately respond to. My boss will notice the improvement in my performance and will feel confident about me going to presentations on my own.’

Through her comparison of her current self with her future self, Jane was able to create an action plan to achieve her goal.

The demotivating impact of loss

There are many different types of loss which may demotivate us – loss of hope, loss of a job, loss of respect, loss of a relationship and, of course, bereavement.

I’m not trained as a counsellor and should I see that a client needs support which I’m not equipped to offer, I will help them to find an appropriate practitioner. That being said, there are some instances in which loss can be dealt with through coaching. I have coached clients who have faced redundancy or feel that their career has become stagnant that there is no hope of change. I have worked with clients who feel that they have lost trust with colleagues.

For such clients, the first step towards being able to move on is to acknowledge the loss. What is it exactly that was lost? What was its value? What feelings are being experienced? Our goal is not to wallow in the loss but to see it for what it is rather than force it to the back of our minds. After all, continuing to brush the experience under the carpet will one day lead to tripping over it!

hope spirit heart transcends horizonsIn acknowledging the loss, we give ourselves time to think and reflect then make future plans to move towards a new horizon. It is helpful to share this process with someone else, whether that’s a family member or friend, a trusted colleague, a counsellor or a coach.

Today’s pebbles for you to ponder: 

Is comparison with others sapping your motivation? Will you switch to comparing your current self with your future self and plan accordingly? 

Have you experienced a loss and are struggling to make progress? Who will you ask to help you acknowledge this loss and then make plans?

Next time, we’ll deal with the final two demotivating factors.


Turning over pebbles is the blog of Thinking Space Coaching.

If you’d like some help to find your motivation again,
why not email me to see how we can work together?

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Dealing with demotivation (part 3)

Over the last couple of posts, we’ve dealt with the demotivators of inadequate goal-setting and external stimulus and the impact of other people and of lack of autonomy. Today’s despicable duo is not knowing and fear.

The demotivating effect of not knowing 

When you’re just not sure what you want or what to do, it can have a paralysing effect. Your lack of certainty demotivates you to such an extent that it leads to a lack of action. You’re not alone: I’ve discussed this with many coaching clients and have experienced it myself too. Here’s a three-point plan we’ve developed together to spur you into action.

Step one: take your eyes off the horizon

Scanning your mental horizon hoping that you’ll see something that you want to head for isn’t going to help: it feels too far away and so you never actually set off.

Step two: look at what’s right in front of you

Now you’ve stopped gazing into the distance, what are the pathways directly in front of you? Which seems like a dead end? Which of those seems like it may lead to something else?  What’s the next step that can move your thinking or your activity forward, even just a little bit? As Victoria Labalme says – ‘Trust the idea that leads to the idea‘.

Step three: take that step

You may not be entirely certain what will happen if you take that next step – will they reply to your email? Will your application be rejected? Will she call back? Take the step anyway. Have you ever noticed that it’s easier to turn the steering wheel of your car when the car is in motion than it is to do so when the car is parked? This is a similar principle: as you move forward with one step, even though you are unsure of the outcome, it will be easier for you to keep on moving.

The demotivating effect of fear

Fear’s tactic to demotivate us also involves causing us to be inactive, even when our rational minds tell us to move forward. If you’re scared of heights, the knowledge that you are securely harnessed and will not plunge to the ground doesn’t make it any easier to step off a high platform and swing towards a cargo net.

So what do you do if fear is demotivating you from something you know you need to do? A client of mine – let’s call her Sally – was terrified of networking events but her work required her to attend them. Sally’s fear became so overwhelming that one morning she couldn’t even get out of her car. She sat in the car park for the entire event, watching the other participants go in and out of the building. In a session, we worked on a plan to tackle her demotivating fear.

Step one: what are your specific fears?

Rather than just say ‘I’m scared of networking events’, we broke this down into individual elements. The list included:

  • I’m worried about walking in on my own.
  • I’m scared I won’t know anyone there.
  • I’m worried that when I speak to people, they won’t want to talk to me.
  • I’m scared that I have nothing to say.
  • I’m scared that I’ll make an idiot of myself by spilling coffee down my shirt or look like Ed Miliband eating a bacon sandwich.
  • I’m worried that everyone else there will have a great time and I’ll look like a Billy-No-Mates.

Step two: what can you do to mitigate those fears?

Some of our fears can be a reality and some are imaginary: it’s possible that you won’t know anyone else at a networking event. You could spill coffee down your shirt. It’s unlikely that the other person will simply turn and walk away when you pluck up the courage to go up and introduce yourself.

By acknowledging the likelihood of our fears coming true, it’s easier to see them for what they are – a possibility or a wild imagining of a creative mind. Sally found that her less realistic fears tended to dissipate when she let them out of her mind into the open. For her fears which were possible, she came up with ways to lessen them: she invited a colleague from another business to come with her to the event. That meant they could walk in together, they could talk to each other in the unlikely event that no-one else talked to them, they could introduce each other to anyone one of them did happen to know and  they could encourage each other to chat with new people.

On a practical level, Sally decided that until she felt more confident at such events, she’d stick to sparkling water and choose not to eat. Acknowledging that one way to get people talking was to ask them questions, she prepared a few open questions which she could use to keep the conversation moving. Sally also realised that it was possible that other people there may not love networking either and decided she’d look out for anyone who looked a bit uncomfortable and go and talk to them.

Today’s pebbles for your consideration:

  • Are you demotivated by not knowing? Will you work through the three steps in order to break that demotivation and get moving again?
  • Is fear demotivating you? Will you tackle it by finding out what specifically you’re scared of and taking action to mitigate those fears? 

If I haven’t covered your demotivators over the past couple of weeks, don’t worry: there are two more on next week’s post.


Turning over pebbles is the blog of Thinking Space Coaching.

If you’d like some help to find your motivation again,
why not email me to see how we can work together?

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Dealing with demotivation (part 2)

Having talked about the demotivating impact of other people and of lack of autonomy on the blog last time, today’s dastardly duo of demotivators is inadequate goal-setting and lack of external stimulus.

The demotivating impact of inadequate goal-setting

‘My appraisal has left me so demotivated,’ sighed Andrew. ‘My previous manager used to ask us to set our own goals and objectives but the new one has done it for us, based on the objectives she’s been set. It was all done before we got into the meeting, she didn’t really want to discuss it and now I’m looking at the next six months wondering how the heck I’m going to do this.’

I shared with Andrew my belief that whilst I don’t really care whether goals are set using PRISM, PURE, CLEAR or any other methodology, they should never be STUPID. He particularly identified with the S (someone else’s), the P (pointless – he hadn’t been given the rationale for the goals) and the D (disconnected). He decided to go back to his boss, get clarity on what her objectives were and suggest that he crafted his own goals to support those which he would then discuss with her. That was three months ago and the last time I spoke to him, he was motivated and making great progress.


The demotivating impact of lack of external stimulus

This demotivator is particularly relevant to, but not limited to, those who work at home, whether paid or unpaid.

As an introvert, I am very happy to work at home, connecting with many of my coaching clients via video calling. Having said that, I love my ‘face-to-face’ days, out there in the big wide world with clients in the hustle and bustle of every day life. I have learnt that in order to stay motivated and engaged with my work, sometimes I need to give myself permission to do something different.

I ensure that I plan in time with colleagues who’ve become friends where we can bounce ideas off each other and offer support; I make sure to spend time with my friends who have nothing to do with my coaching; I take time out to explore and get inspiration from the outside world, whether that’s virtually or in real life.

Like me, you may have noticed that your motivation wanes sometimes and you just want to down tools and do something else entirely. I recognise that this isn’t always easy if you’re at home with small children, have caring responsibilities or are unwell yourself. I also understand that this isn’t limited to those at home: it’s possible to feel this way in a busy office or on a noisy factory floor or on the wards of a hospital.

Two pebbles for your consideration – choose which one is most relevant to you right now:

  1. Are your goals demotivating you? Will you take another look at them using the STUPID framework and see whether you can tweak them to work better for you?
  2. If you’re lacking external stimulus, what one step can you take to address this? If you can’t get out, can someone come to you – either in the flesh or via technology?

Which demotivators will we work to defuse next? Come back next week to see.

Turning over pebbles is the blog of Thinking Space Coaching.

If you’d like some help to find your motivation again,
why not email me to see how we can work together?

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What’s making you feel demotivated?

It’s August. Here in the UK, it’s the main holiday season. The rush hour roads are quieter, the beaches are busier. Tumbleweed is rolling through the aisles of some offices whilst theme parks are packed. There seems to be one topic coming up again and again in recent conversations with clients and colleagues: demotivation.

I asked them to describe what they felt was demotivating them and, with their comments in mind, today’s post  is the first in a short series on demotivation, its numerous causes and what we can do to tackle it. Today’s demotivating duo is lack of autonomy and other people.

The demotivating impact of a lack of autonomy

When we feel like our work (or even maybe some aspects of our life) are imposed upon us, we feel hemmed in. Struggling to break free doesn’t always work and may make things worse. A client of mine felt like her boss was overbearing, micro-managing and didn’t trust her. She saw that when she’d rebelled against that, she just made matters worse. Together we looked at areas over which she had either control, influence or no control at all and devised a plan for her to address the issue with her manager. They were able to have an open and straightforward conversation during which they agreed areas over which she has autonomy and those which require more oversight.

The demotivating impact of other people

Ever known a mood hoover? I think we’ve all met people who seem to suck all the fresh air out of the room and replace it with a cloud of despondency. Before you know it, everyone’s feeling dejected and demoralised. How can we deal with the mood hoovers?

Photo by The Creative Exchange on Unsplash

If you’re the team manager, set a positive example for your team. Also, it’s your responsibility to take the mood hoover to one side to find out what their issues are, what can be done and to discuss the impact this is having on the team. Help them to take responsibility for the effect their demeanour has on colleagues.

If you’re a colleague, don’t allow yourself to get sucked in by the mood hoover. You may not feel confident enough to challenge their behaviour but you can choose not to respond to the negative comments, to offer a more positive assessment or simply to distance yourself from the situation. I’m not sure I agree with the assertion that we are the average of the five people we hang out with, but if you do agree with it, you should probably take a look at those five people.

Two pebbles for you to ponder to choose from today:

  1. Are you demotivated by lack of autonomy? Will you take steps to gain back some control? 
  2. Are other people demotivating you? How will you prevent them dragging you down? 

Come back next week to tackle more demotivators.


Turning over pebbles is the blog of Thinking Space Coaching.

If you’re ready for transformation,
why not email me to see how we can work together?

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